God's creatures are bound to taunt me from time to time - take for instance the squirrel.
I hate them. I do. They are not like little happy Chip n' Dale Chipmunks. They are scroungy, scrawny little disease spreading rats with fluffy tails.
The little bastards sit on the fence outside of my bedroom window sending my one dog into a frenzy. For awhile I had to stop walking my dogs during the day because Buddy will hone in on one and start climbing a tree to try to get them, ugh. They also like to bury their beloved friggin peanuts in my newly plantes beds or pots. Don't get me started on my mission to find out which fucktard in my neighborhood is feeding these rats full in the shell peanuts anyhow. When I do find that bastard Im going to thank them for making me so paranoid about my backyard turning into a peanut plantation I swore off peanut butter for six months.
It really got so bad my husband and I couldn't even call them squirrels because Buddy knew what that meant....so we called them S.Q.'s....or the S posse...really it got that lame.
Anyhow, the irony. So I hate them. This morning I was driving into work and had only made it a block from my house when running across the street were two squirrels. The homeless black one was chasing the equally transient brown one across the street in an obvious game of frogger on Pine Ave. Well, ol blacky was a little slower than I thought.....thud. Well, more like a little whap from my tire.
I cringed, squirrel guts on the Honda? yuck. I peered in the rearview mirror - there he was in the road his head fell to the ground.....and then down went his tail. Symbolic like of course, falling slowly as if he was lowering the surrender flag. I really hoped the death was quick, even that lil asshat needed a quick death.
As I drove to the light I started to wonder - hmmm black squirrel....is it an omen like a crossing paths with a black cat? I hoped not.
Proceeding on with my day I came back from lunch and who should greet me when I hopped out of the car - a random little brown squirrel...running up the hill away from the car.
Word travels fast in the ol squirrel community - Killer Kitty is on the loose........Im really waiting to get home tonight to see a peanut plantation and every damn fluffy tailed rat in the neighborhood ready to pull a "Birds" on me.....if you dont hear from me let my husband know will you.